E713

[TheEPICtrainrider]

E713

And now for something completely different.

You can now download this entire crappy half assed fan fiction with revised entries and better grammar Here: http://www.rockraidersunited.org/index.php?/files/file/153-e713/

But really. RockModders's and Lord Zakida's are better. Go read their's.

---

"713, 713... it's time for your shift..."

My eyes slowly opened and were shot with the intense light of the room. I closed them immediately, and rubbed them softly. "You're already have five tardy demerits kid, just be glad I took pity on you and decided not to let you sleep in today, otherwise you'd be gettin' 'nother week of slug duty." My eyes adjusted to see my savior, Anonymouse, hovering over me.

Anonymouse was one of the few T4 Raiders I liked. My first day out of the incubator he helped me get started with my drill, and showed me the ropes. He did way better then the instructional video they show us, that thing was filmed back in 1991! Get with the times Chief! Nobody watches HD anymore!

Anonymouse handed me a cup of Sonic's Coffee. Apparently, some T3 Raider named Sonic322 discovered that you could make powerful coffee by combining the genes from the coffee bean with the moss we find growing in the wetter caverns. The guy made a fortune off of it. Chief supplies him with the labor, he supplies the coffee.

I gulped down the black liquid and felt the caffeine rush to my head. I threw the cup into the garbage shoot, muttered thanks, and climbed out of my bunk. I had been lucky to get a bunk second from the floor, unlike the poor saps who got stuck with ones fifth of sixth from the floor. Running down the halls of bunk-beds to the showers, passing row after row of sleeping, awake, and empty bunks. I entered a stall, took my shower, and put on my pants and shirt. As I left I threw my laundry into the clothes. (we all share night garments, but we have our own personal work clothes.)

I took a shortcut through the main concourse. The huge television screen (outdated right?) showed Bandit Talking about current status of the mission. He always said the same old things. "We are blah blah blah away from completing the mission, but just because we are so close to going home, this is not the time to slack off" He would then announce the top collectors of yesterdays Mining. And any reported deaths.

I made it to the teleportation deck. And I stepped onto the platform. I could see, in the corner, a video that explained the proper way to act during teleportation, also know as the 3 S's.

Stop Moving

Shut off your Radio

Shut up

I always disobey all three. Just as the process begins, I do a pelvic thrust.

Teleportation can be best compared to getting a static shock. It always surprises you, and it's a little fun. I've seen what people look like teleporting, and it never feels that slow. You see all sorts of colors flowing past your eyes at light speeds and your heart beats so fast, you could record it and call it techno. It lasts only a second, but it's the best second of your life.

I come out of the momentary excitement. And finish my thrust. Some newbies giggle at my misbehavior. Bless their little minds. Acmex, the teleportation manager throws me a glare. "What?" I respond, "I was only having a little fun." He rolled his eyes and logged the teleportation into the computer.

I opened my locker and took out my trusty pipe-wrench. I had got it when I had applied for a engineering promotion, but I used it more for squishing small spiders rather then fixing pipes. Now I use it to help with my punishment, slug duty.

I grabbed a handful of firecrakers from the supply closet. Addictgamer came over and said "E713, you have to go to Station 87 (shorthand for Power Station 87) and remove a slug. We're losing energy Crystals by the ton to that thing."

"Come-on Addict, you know you don't have to say the 'E' "I told him.

"Listen, I'm the Moderator of this base, and you'll listen to what I say, or I'm going to write you up for the Noodle Incident"

My Mood darkened into a slight fear. "Yes sir, sorry sir, I'll get right on it sir."

Addict's face softened. "I don't want to do that, but if you don't respect my authority..."

I said "Don't worry, I'll get right on this slug Addictgamer." Addict turned and walked away, mumbling about Open Rock Raiders or something like that.

I cursed him out under my breath.

C17 was heading in my directionwith a small transport truck. So he let me hitch a ride. We talked politics and made fun of Chief's mustache. He dropped me off at the tool store and I walked the rest of the way. After a few minutes... I could see the thing... It had a long green body with a oval head. Two green eye stalks were perched above its head with two orange eyes...

The thing was sucking on a energy Crystal, and had done away with a few others that had turned gray and were laying by its side. I began to plan my attack.

I wrapped a few fire cracker together with some duck tape. and twisted all the fuses to make one big fuse. I lit the mini bomb. and threw it at the beast.

The bang caused some dust to fall from the ceiling, and smoke had enveloped the ally we were about to duel. I jumped into the cloud, pipe-wrench above my head, ready to strike, and shouted at the top of my lungs. "DIE MOTHER ******"

[TheEPICtrainrider]

Edit:Thank you Cyrem

[Storm]

Mind if i can come in?

[Anonymouse]

WIN!

This is awesomely funny...

I noticed two references, in the description and the "Noodle Incident".

Are there any more?

Anyway, do continue. Please.

[Shadow322]

Well I read it.

AND IT WAS AWESOME!

Why is Sonic322 the rich guy? $_$

And when am I going to show up.

And what is this "Noodle Incident"?

[Anonymouse]

1. Well I read it. AND IT WAS AWESOME!

2. Why is Sonic322 the rich guy? $_$

3. And when am I going to show up.

4. And what is this "Noodle Incident"?

1. I did too, and I agree

2. Because he invented this weird coffee

3. I have not the faintest clue

4. Calvin and Hobbes reference.

[sciguy]

I wonder where i will be..... Ill probably end up being somewhere in the science dept along with rockmodder

[Addictgamer]

Not a bad story ;)

[theextractor]

i would dance in the teleporter too.

that slug battle was about to get epic! Don't leave me hangin!

[Cirevam]

I wrapped a few fire cracker together with some duck tape. and twisted all the fuses to make one big fuse. I lit the mini bomb. and threw it at the beast.

Sounds like the PM flick-fire dynamite.

*awaits backlash*

[Eagle98]

Not bad, really good (oh no, double positive).

Hope I can kick in. Remember, in "normal form" ;)

[TheEPICtrainrider]

My Arms shook as the wench hit stone. The slug yelped and speed-crawled down the ally. You may think slow when you hear slugs, but these things can hit a top speed of 5 miles-per-hour under energy crystal power.

I rushed after the slimy green blob. It made a sharp right, I followed it. The blood in my body began to pulse faster and faster. The adrenaline pulsed through my brain giving me lightning reflexes. The case ran through section 88, 89, and 90, when the slug put on a extra burst of speed and sped over the rail road tracks, just as the 10:00 came thundering by. I could have just stayed where I was, and waited for the train to pass, but I knew that the road ahead was full of impassible Ore Refineries and would curve back to recross the tracks in about a mile.

I opened my pipe-wrench as wide as possible, and began running along side the train. It was going at about 5 miles-per-hour, and was picking up speed. I lunged my wrench and tried to latch it onto a handle. Miss. The train was getting a little faster now. I tried again, this time with success.

There I was, running along side a mining train, holding onto a pipe-wrench latched onto a handle for a gondola. I pulled my body up and reached for the next handle. Miss. The train was about to go faster then I could ever run, I made a last ditch effort and reached for the next handle one more time...

My hand touched the cold steel and I quickly pulled myself onto the top of the train. I had reached victory, and was sitting on a pile of ore. I stood up and located my slimy friend, about 120 feet away. The train passed a pile of soft dirt (used for filling up slimy slug holes), and I jumped. The dirt cushioned my fall, and I raced to meet the slug. He was coming in fast, so I climbed up on top of a dis-used support station, and waited until the b****** was in range... Then I jumped.

"EEEEEYYYYEEEEEEERRRRRPPPP" the slug wailed as I landed on its back. I wrestled with it, sometimes I was winning and others I was losing. The fight seamed to be one that would never end, when the thing got itself right side up and sped off...With me on it's back...

I had my arms around its slippery neck, and my pipe-wrench was a far way's back, but I was riding a slimy slug. We zipped past other raiders, vehicles, and even scared the crap out of Cirevam. We left the base. Around 30 yards away from the last building, the hole came into site. I bailed. While rolling off the slug, I banged my knee ageist a sharp rock. The slug escaped down the hole, thankful to still be alive.

I tried to stand, but I had gotten a 4 inch long gash in my knee, which made it hard to walk. Picking up my gps unit, I located my position, and radioed in. Maybe I could get somebody to pick me up and get me some medical attention.

"Cavern 17 control center, AddictgamerA332 speaking"

Oh lawd... I can't let Addict know I got hurt, or I'll never get off slug duty... I swallowed the pain and said,

"E713 reporting a slimy slug hole at grid point 50N, 30S., also reporting exaction of slug from sector 87."

Addict responded "Rodger, report back to base. And good work E713" The radio transmission ended, giving way to static.

I sighed... And made the slow trek back to base. Limping along in the dimly lit cavern.

[Anonymouse]

>.< Ouch. Wouldn't like those injuries.

Great addition though. Keep it going, please!

[Shadow322]

I love it!

TELL ME WEN I'LL SHOW UP!

Sorry I can't help it.

[Storm]

Again, when will i come in, in the next post? :3

[Anonymouse]

Again, when will i come in, in the next post?

Chances are, about 5 posts after you stop asking.

[theextractor]

i never asked!!!

those slugs are speedy little devils. fortunately you had that amazingly versatile wrench.

[TheEPICtrainrider]

I was sitting in darkness. I thought I must have passed out or something, but I felt calm, so I decided not to worry. I was sitting on something that could resemble hard dirt; it passed through my fingers quite easily unlike dirt which would clump up and stay in my palm. In front of me, I could hear the lapping of water (ageist the shore?), like those I had heard at one of the lakes we have on Planet U. I pulled out my Radio to call into base and tell them my location, but all that came out was music. Very soft... calming... music... I sat the radio down and stared toward the water sound. Then came the light.

It was dim at first, but it grew brighter. Bathing my environment in sunlight. I was sitting on something fine grained, and it was a whitish-yellow. As the light went higher, I could even see that the water was a dark green, instead of the blackish blue we see in the caverns. And there was so much water too! Way more then anything we have on Planet U! It seamed to stretch out forever. The sun climbed higher, and I could see it was now a giant yellow circular beacon, driving away the darkness and filling the leftover space with beautiful light. It warmed me with it's glow. I laded back and closed my eyes...

"Dr. Death... I think I saw the bag move..."

"Shut up, you're just trying to scare me."

"No really... There it goes again!"

"Holy crap he's still alive! Get him out of the bag!"

I opened my eyes to a scared DrDeath and his apprentice F17. I was lying in a bag used when cremating people, when I looked over I saw that I was halfway across the room from a fiery end...

"Jeebus E713! We thought you were dead! Your body came up to us and your heart had stopped... Oh my gawd... We almost cremated you!" said F17. He defiantly wasn't expecting this when he signed up for the job.

"You see F17? This is why you always check for a pulse, sometimes the automatic teleport systems malfunction and send up people who are only passed out" Dr. Death said.

"But I did check his pulse! I even double checked!"

"You might have made a mistake, you're still a little new at this"

F17 walked off mumbling "But I did check his pulse... he was already dead..."

Dr. Death looked at me and said, "Now let's get you to the medical ward, okay? We want to make sure you don't have brain damage; you looked like you had been in a landslide!"

If Dr.Death has a problem working in the crematorium, I'll change it. His name was the only name I could think of at the time.

[Shadow322]

Pretty good, keep up the good work.

[TheEPICtrainrider]

A day after I recovered I was sent out to build a lava dam. Joining me was D237 and F48, nether of which I knew too well. We were driven to the construction area by Eagle98 (formally C98) who would be our supervisor for today. Eagle was also supervising 3 other dams, and would check on the three of us from time to time. D237 would be diving ore from the outpost about 100 yards off. Which left me alone with F48.

Before he walked away, Eagle told us that there were recent reports of Lava monsters in the area, so we better keep our wits about us. "You take that side, and I'll take this side. We'll meet in the middle." F48 told me. I agreed, but I sensed fear in his voice. He hadn't been out of the base too many times.

We began building the dam, a simple method invented by Doc himself. Place down power paths, build a wall. This dam wouldn't last forever, just long enough for us to finish mining the area and dynamite the walls to create a more permanent dam.

I lugged two pieces of ore two a area about 1.5 meters long and wide with a base inserted in the center. I crushed the ore, tilled them, then flattened them to create a power path. I had to repeat this process 5 more times to create the two parallel lines of power paths. We would then build the wall with the same basic method.

Nether of us talked, only the distant churning of the lava, and Eagle coming by to check on us now and then. We had almost gotten the wall finished when F48 yelled "Look!"

I did, only to see some large rocks fall into the far off lava, about 20 squares away. "It's just a landslide" I reassured him "It happens all the time."

"No... LOOK!" I glanced up to see a large glowing fist crash out of the wall. Chills ran down my spine.

"48?"

"Yes?"

"Listen to me... go to the tool store... and get a Ice beam" A leg crashed out of the wall.

"But... But... only level 2 rock raiders get a Ice Beam." Another arm crashed out of the wall.

"Just do it... I'm going to hold this guy off..." The final leg burst from the wall.

"What??? You can't do that! You'll get killed!"

"We must protect the base. NOW GO!" The Lava Monster's head appeared and it pulled itself from the wall as F48 ran away. I quickly found four medium sized rocks and held them in my arms. The creature had a ape shaped face, and its head would hit the ceiling if it jumped. Once it was close enough I threw a rock at it. The rock bounced off its head, I had got its attention. "Hey ugly!" I shouted as I threw the rest of the rocks.

The Monster roared. Dust fluttered down from the cavern ceiling and I covered my ears. It moved for a wall and pulled a builder from it. Time seamed to slow down as the rock soared into the air.

Crap.

I jumped to the side and covered my head as the projectile made a crater where only moments ago I was standing. For a moment the thought "What the hell was I thinking???" blared in my head before I got up and ran. I could hear the beast stomping on the power paths to destroy them. They wouldn't hold him for much longer. Little did I know that a small rock would foil my getaway. I tripped and fell to the ground, my head spinning. When I turned over, the creature was looming over me. It raised its fist. I closed my eyes and thought of all the other raiders who died this way. I kept expecting the blow to come... but all I heard was a 'bathouth'. Whne I opened my eyes, I saw the frozen fist of the lava monster inches away from my face. I scurried away. I got up and turned to see a shaking F48 dropping the Ice beam to the ground.

//I forgot to re-read, I'll do it later.

[Storm]

SWEET SON OF A! Be more careful!

[Shadow322]

I like it.

But when will I show up?

It would be good if I was that one raider the never follows orders. (like in LEGO Rock Raiders.

[Anonymouse]

I like it.

But when will I show up?

It would be good if I was that one raider the never follows orders. (like in LEGO Rock Raiders.

Remove the "when". Who says that you ever will? And I already answered - chances are, 3 posts after you stop asking.

[Shadow322]

Remove the "when". Who says that you ever will? And I already answered - chances are, 3 posts after you stop asking.

Fine I'll stop asking.

[TheEPICtrainrider]

I was walking down the hall of the research and development department. The doctors had checked me over and told me I couldn't go back to the mines for a few days; something about a traumatic experience.

After the Lava-Monster incident, F48 was looked as a "Hero who saved poor E713's butt" and I was deemed temporary unfit for mining activities. F48 was even upgrade and now goes by the name Joe*somesortofnumbers*. I still don't like him at all. All the power has gone to his head and now he just roams the LMS bragging about his 'Heroic Deed'. That little...

So here I am, walking down a hallway because the rehab center was too depressing (too many people with broken limbs groaning). I decided to pop in my old friend Sciguy.

I first met Sciguy back when I was a newbie. I bumbed into him while he was carring some really powerful lazars. At the end of the day there were only minor injuries and Lord Zakida got a lazar stuck right above his epiglottis.

I walked into the Anomalous Materials Lab. Sciguy was looking over test chamber, making sure the scientist in his HEV suit didn't screw up. They were about to test the method for teleportation. "Hey Sci" I said.

"Not no E713, I'm busy with a experiment." Sicguy responded.

"For what?"

"See for yourself" He pointed to the glass, where a small spider was being injected with a subsance by the guy in the HEV suit.

"What the hell is he doing?"

"He's injecting the spider with something that will hopefully be the new method of teleportation"

The Man in the HEV suit then put the string down, and moved over to a box covered with a white cloth. He removed the cloth to reveal a baby bat inside of the box. The spider looked hungrily at the box. Suddenly, the spider disappeared in a red puff of smoke.

"Where'd it g...?" I was answered before the words left my mouth. There was another puff of red smoke, and spider guts where thrown across the room, apparently originating from the box where the bat was kept.

"Ah well..." Sciguy said. "It's better then a resonance cascade."

---

Sciguy walked over to the pneumatic system for delivering samples to and from the test chamber. There was a loud "SSSHHHHUUUNNNNKKKKK" and a green light flicked on. Sciguy opened the door and pulled out, what appeared to be, a glowing pickle jar. The jar glowed the entire spectrum of colors and slowly transitioned to each one. I noticed Sciguy had gloves on as he laid the jar onto the table.

"Sci?" I said weakly

"Yes?" he responded.

"What the hell was that?" I said in a calm, mocking voice.

"That, was supposed to be a new teleportation method, it is a fluid that has the same material that let's our teleporters work. It combines with your blood making you a instant teleporter. It's still a little buggy... and highly unstable..." he turned the jar around to reveal a label that said "Unstable Teleportation Plasmid." He then moved over to the window and watched the cleaners go to work cleaning up the mess. "If only there was a way we could have the molecules teleport more directly...."

I, on the other hand, did probably the most stupid yet fun thing in my life. I reached out my hand... Sciguy took off his gloves and turned to catch me in the act. "NO! DON'T DO THAT! THE PLASMID IS HIGHLY REACTIVE TO HEAT!" The words got to me as my finger touched the cool glass. There was another puff of smoke, like before except with a sucking sound, and the jar had disappeared. For a few moments I was in shock, thinking that I had just imploded Sciguy's experiment. Then there was another puff of smoke and noise, more like a release then a sucking sound; the had jar re-appeared, right next to it's previous location.

Sciguy raced over, he stared at the jar with wonder and awe. "What did you do before?" he said.

"What?" I responded.

"Before! What did you do!" his voice was rising.

I stared him in the eye. "I just... touched it..." Our gazes shifted back to the wonder before us. Sciguy reached out his index finger.

Upon contact the effect happened again. The sucking sound, and the poof of red smoke. Our eyes bored into the table before us, waiting for the jar to re-appear. When the re-appearing sound came from behind us. We turned to find the jar sitting on a cart outside the room. Sciguy and I walked over to it. I touched it again, receiving the same affect as before. We scanned the hallway, looking for the re-appearance of the jar. I saw it poof back into existence in a elevator. I nudged Sciguy, and pointed toward the object. In silence, we made out way over to the jar, and Sciguy touched it. The jar dissolved in the smoke(along with the noise). We then glanced everywhere to see where it would end up.

After two minutes, Sciguy said "Let's split up, I'll go this way, you go that way." I nodded in approval.

We checked room after room, with no success. I didn't think I could take anymore, especially because I had to check the *cough* restrooms. I still can't feel the left side of my face.

We met back in front the the lab we started from. I said "Dude! I looked everywhere! Even the Cyanide storage, and there wasn't a lot of happiness in there."

"I understand... maybe the thing teleported into a wall or something... but at this rate we'll need Robert Langdon to figure this out..."

At that moment it hit me... "Maybe not in the walls... but what about vents?" I looked down, and saw a faint glow coming from a air-vent near the floor. I kneeled down, and ripped off the cover. "Watch out for red spiders!" Sciguy said, I'm not sure if he was joking or not.

My arm was inside the vent, and just before I couldn't reach anymore... my finger touched glass.

There was a familiar sucking sound. But instead of just reappearing anywhere, the jar reappeared between me and sciguy, floating in mid air. The "Unstable Teleportation Plasmid" then did it's disappearing act again. I also heard, strangely enough, another sucking sound, but closer... then my vision was clouded by red smoke.

The smoke cleared instantly, but me and Sciguy both found ourselves, not in the hallway, but in the test chamber. The jar floated around us, when it disappeared again, and again was my vision clouded red smoke along with the noise.

We reappeared in Chief's office, he was writing down some notes when he looked up at us. "What the hell...?" he muttered just before we, me, Sciguy, and the jar, evaporated out of the room.

This process repeated five more times. We emerged in the Bridge, in front of a Loader Dozer, in a RockMonsters den, In a workshop, and finally in the lunch room. The last thing we saw was a Rock Raider being chased by the jar down the rows of tables. Then the smoke and the noise poofed up again.

I opened my mouth to breath, but nothing came in. I glanced around. I was floating, and so was Sciguy. We were in outer-space, facing the LMS Explorer. I begin to panic, and grip my neck, gasping for air in a airless environment. My vision was fading. Things were getting blurry. The jar was nowhere to be found. Sciguy was also struggling from what I could see. What a sad way to die, in a place where nobody can hear you.

I closed my eyes. The last thing I saw before things faded to black was a glory shot of the LMS Explorer, rounding Planet U. I thought of the friends I would lose, the 'home' I would never see, and the crystals I would never mine. So much time lost...

Darkness, emptiness, death. That's when I heard one last teleport...

I was falling, there was the shattering of glass, and air filling into my lungs. My back crashed to the ground, sending pain throughout my whole body. My eyes remained closed, but I could sense people around me. Over the soft mummers of the crowd forming, the intercom blasted out "E713 and Sciguy, please report to Chief's office." Then I passed out.