'Legos not fit for human consumption'

[Phantom Terror]

A recent study from The Onion has recently revealed that "Legos may not be fit for human consumption after all". Here is a direct quote from the article:

 

"A recent study involving 50 test subjects has shown that the colorful lego blocks are not fit for human consumption. Upon swallowing a standard 2x2 yellow lego brick, 3 in 5 subjects choked and needed to be driven to the ER for immediate treatment. The other 2 in 5 subjects disclosed that they experienced 'mild to extreme discomfort' while swallowing and post-swallowing. 1 in 2 of the remaining subjects later had to have stomach surgery to remove the plastic brick. One subject was found to have swallowed multiple bricks in his life, and was going through withdrawal after his parents sold his collection of legos. Quotes from the test subjects can be viewed at the end of this article."

 

Here are the statistics for the test:

 

Injury Rates From Legos

 

Pain in the throat/digestive tract: 90%

Immediate Death: 2%

Delayed death: 12%

Foot injuries: 100%

Knee injuries: 100%

 

Why legos are swallowed

 

Confusion for candy: 67%

Tastes good: 30%

Texture: 20%

Childhood habits: 100%

 

Here is the closing statement:

 

"After the results for this test were received and compiled, we at The Onion have declared Legos 'unfit for human consumption'. We have emailed the LEGO company (which manufactures the legos), asking for a product recall due to choking hazards. Next week we will experiment on Dogs and Cats."

 

Here are some of the quotes from the subjects:

 

"At first I felt a scrape along my throat and then it stopped. When I went home, my stomach started aching and I developed a rash along my legs and groin. 0/8 would not do again." -- A. Kekler

 

"I was thrilled when i learned I was doing an experiment with legos. My parents sold my collection recently, and I'm going through withdrawal. I love swallowing the little plastic candies." --B. Tamey

 

"I'm going to die." -- E. Tuck