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W.I.P Script


Ben24x7
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Earlier this week, after I brought Fred Cop back I felt flooded with a bunch of ideas for a new story. I began work, and am still working on it, however I wrote it in the format of a script instead.

 

So this story may end up with one of five results;

 

- A short film

- A game

- A story (which means I'll have to convert everything in the script into Past Participle)

- A script I'd be too lazy to continue

- And a script I wouldn't know what to do with

 

As for the script itself, you can read what I've written so far (which isn't too much) here;

 

Pages (Mac) version; http://oresome.rockraidersunited.com/download/180

Microsoft Word version; http://oresome.rockraidersunited.com/download/181

PDF version; http://oresome.rockraidersunited.com/download/182

 

Do keep in mind that the script is in it's W.I.P state, so things might get changed around (e.g. I might change "Thunder corp" to "Fund-our-corp" sometime).

 

If anyone wants to give feedback, I'd be willing to hear.

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I've just read through the script so far, and it's looking pretty good.

A couple of improvements you could make:

  • "I would have to delay it until this is finished, but sure" sounds a bit too formal IMO, I'd replace it with something like "Sure, I'll do it after this" and then have Harry pointing at whatever is on the screen (probably something like Candy Crush :P )

  • "I will, trust me" sounds like he's making a promise to Fred on his deathbed, change it to something like "Yeah, I'll get onto it now Fred" or something similar.

  • "responding" isn't a word I'd use when answering the phone, especially since as he's just answered it there's nothing to respond TO. :P Replace "responding" with "here" or something similar.

  • Shorten "Thank you" to just "thanks".

  • Remove "completely flawless" (the audience should be able to gather that it's removal is completely flawless, mainly because it's not there when it should be ;) )

  • Remove the "Beg" from "Beg pardon?"

  • Replace "spontaneously combusted" with "blown"

  • Replace "usage of electricity" with "power surge"

  • "Yes, but 'hat is none of yer' business" is how nearly every London cabbie speaks :P

  • Remove the space in "Thunder corp" to make it just "Thundercorp"

  • Would the Phone Book really just be called "the phone book"? Wouldn't it be called "The Orange Pages" or something like that? :P

 

Anyway, keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more! :D

 

Also, have you considered doing this script as a comic? Just a thought. ;)

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- A short film - A game - A story (which means I'll have to convert everything in the script into Past Participle) - A script I'd be too lazy to continue - And a script I wouldn't know what to do with

 

I'm surprised "Brickfilm" didn't come to mind there. l405G.jpg The problem would be the minifigures, especially if you in your vampire cat form wanted to appear... stickers? *shrug* I don't know much about custom parts/decals, I just grab whatever I've got in my sorting system l405G.jpg.

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