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The Rock Raider Chronicles


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#1
Drill Master

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As some of you may know, I had made a comic called "The Rock Raider Chronicles" which is a series of stories that I come up with based on LRR. Well, due to my thoughts, I have decided to end The Rock Raider Chronicles as a comic, and restart it as written stories. I see myself as a better writer than drawer, and this way I can go for the Two fan fiction writer awards on the side. My first story will be what my comic started out with: "Ryley and Sam", a story about two best friends training to climb aboard the LMS Acension. I will have these stories posted here at least every three to five days, depending what I'm doing during that time. I will work on "Ryley and Sam" and hope to post it soon!


THE ROCK RAIDER CHRONICLES

These are the stories of the legendary Rock Raiders!


Story #1: "Ryley and Sam"

Spoiler

1053 Word count
 
Story #2: "The LMS Acension"
 
Spoiler

 340 Word Count
 
Story #3: "Two Friends Apart"
 
Spoiler

992 Word Count

Story #4: Seyena3 Entry #1

Spoiler

302 Word Count

Story #5: "Exiled"

Spoiler

713 Word Count
 
Total Word Count: 3400
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#2
Fushigisaur

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I liked it. Of course I had seen the comic beforehand so I knew how it would end, but the written ending is much, much better. Very sad. ;-;

I like the concept and the story is well-written overall.
I do have a few criticisms, though...

This is the story of two best friends, ready to explore the universe together. Their names? Ryley Harris and Sam Corren. These two have been together since they were barely able to walk. They lived next to each other for a long time. All was well, until both Ryley and Sam came of the Age of Reposition.

These lines feel very... clichéd. I wouldn't know what else to say here...

Sam couldn't help but think that Ryley and him were going to serve together

This should be "he and Riley" or "Riley and he" (both are correct but the first sounds better) It's a common mistake.

The two friends walked into the building. They both went into the same room for testing. The Cadets found their assigned seats and waited. The Professor walked into the room. He wrote up some notes on the board. They were details about the exam. He turned to the Cadets.

These lines are very choppy and don't flow well. I think you should be able to fix them fine.

The next day came without warning.

I'm not sure 'without warning' is the best phrase to use here... but that's just my opinion.

"Adam White, A-, Acension. Jim Somern, B, Explorer." Sam could feel his heart racing. He was next. He was so nervous, that he could hardly keep his hand from shaking. "Sam Corren, A, Acension." Sam blew out a much needed sigh of relief. He walked over and grabbed his new blue Rock Raider's uniform and his badge. The Headmaster continued. "Johnathan Synkose, C+, Retest. I am sorry to say that one of our Cadets has failed the Final Exam. Chris Wayword, F, Automatic Ejection. Please take your belongings and go see the the Councilor about your decision."

The names seem to be listed in a random order... would you consider alphabetizing them? That's how it's usually done.

Aside from these I didn't really see anything wrong with it.

Good job, and keep it up.
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#3
Drill Master

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Yeah there are some grammer problems that I missed. No way am I trying to be super perfect with my writing (at least not for this). I am just writing what first comes to mind. Also with the names, I didn't really want them alphabetical. I kind of like the randomness of the name call, but that's just me.

#4
Drill Master

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I know I have neglected to post new stories, but I have been trying to get my active topics in order along with non forum related business. 

 

Next up is a shorter story explaining small details about the LMS Acension. Enjoy!

 

(Top Post)



#5
Drill Master

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I'm bumping this topic for a certain reason of a few members' words of encouragement in a recent blog post I made, since removed.

 

Also there is a new story in the OP for you to enjoy. A continuation of Story #1.



#6
coffins

Guy, it's great.



#7
Shadowblaze

This is actually pretty cool, Drill Master :D There is just one thing I don't like about the last story:

 

The Chief turned around and exited the room.

 

I think you should have put "left" instead of "exited", "left" sounds way better to me.

 

 


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#8
Drill Master

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This is actually pretty cool, Drill Master :D There is just one thing I don't like about the last story:


The Chief turned around and exited the room.

 
I think you should have put "left" instead of "exited", "left" sounds way better to me.


Fixed! And Thanks! Glad you like it.

#9
Drill Master

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New Story in the OP. Seyena3 Entry #1.

#10
Drill Master

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A new story, a new character, and a new plot has occurred!

 

Story #5: "Exiled" in the OP. Enjoy!


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