Jump to content

Ben24x7's abysmal LMB "Legends of Chima" fan-fiction [Documented]


Ben24x7
 Share

Recommended Posts

I don't really need to say anything in reply to what you said to me, everyone has pretty much covered it. The LEGO Chima theme is not my cup of tea coffee and so I do not know anything about it's story or 'world'. Regardless, it doesn't matter if it's a bird/robot/plane/car/ant/clown... it doesn't change what I said about visualizing your story. I'm just trying to help you write a better.

 

On the LMB's I see you've received comments like 'cool'/'awesome' etc. While these comments are nice and up-building... they have no criticism/ideas/suggestions of any kind. Believe it or not, this is a bad thing. You have no bar to measure your story against and no way of knowing if you're getting better or worse. We have provided you with feedback better than all of those "cool" comments combined, we've given you things to work on to help you be a better writer. This will help you write stories for ages to come.

 

EDIT:

I see you added a new chapter. Unfortunately because you copied it from the LMB's it has all the bad style formatting with it. To get rid of the bad styling (I'm talking about the white text background) paste it in Notepad, copy the text in Notepad, then paste it into the topic. This will get rid of the styling. Alternatively, there is a button in this editor (top right, looks like a gear) which has the option of pasting as plain text, turn that on. The new chapter is also full of spelling mistakes, but I'll leave that up to you to fix this time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

Cyrem mentioned the bird once, and understandably so, as you did say 'Fred dived towards the ground as the bird (or whatever it was) flew over him with a WHOOSH!!!'.

Ah... right.

 

The white background happened for some reason I don't know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've had enough... I am REWRITING THE ENTIRE STORY FROM SCRATCH! I hope you are all THANKFUL [sarcasm]!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


And yes, I think most of us are happy that you're rewriting it. Hopefully you'll use our suggestions.

 

The problem isn't the story itself (maybe that's also a problem but it's hard to tell from the way it's written) but how it's written.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ben, you'd probably be better off leaving. You aren't a good fit for this site.

This really better be sarcasm because if it's not, then we have a big problem.

-.-

And let's try and not make one word/emote posts, k?  Else, we have to offer it to the Spam God and that's no fun.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've had enough... I am REWRITING THE ENTIRE STORY FROM SCRATCH! I hope you are all THANKFUL [sarcasm]!

 

All we asked is for you to apply our feedback and re-write at least the first chapter so we can see the difference. No need to change the storyline or get angry, you should be happy.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

: :'( :

 

TEARS OF JOY! :lol:

 

The re-written first chapter is a massive improvement. The formatting was cleaner and the sentences flowed better. I didn't even see any spelling mistakes! You did use the brackets once, but in light of the improvements here, I don't care :)

 

If you keep writing like this, I'll happily read your story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am planning on adding some pictures for the story (all were done in an iPad app called iDraw):

 

This one will be used in a scene:

 

 

This one is a very badly done poster:

 

 

And I might use this one but then perhaps not:

 

 

 

 

That is all...

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right, I would need to find a picture of an eagle without and background around it. But I do understand. The second one (though no body asked) was made in Blender 2.67 rather than iDraw.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Well this is annoying... I was going to go for Novelist but my story would need 10,000 words (at first I thought it was characters (letters))so I decided to go for fictional writer (3000 words) but I only have reached about 1383 words. And I shut down the story on the LMB because I couldn't think about how to continue it.

 

Any help?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well this is annoying... I was going to go for Novelist but my story would need 10,000 words (at first I thought it was characters (letters))so I decided to go for fictional writer (3000 words) but I only have reached about 1383 words. And I shut down the story on the LMB because I couldn't think about how to continue it.

 

Any help?

Wait wait wait.

They have ranks for STORIES now? O_O

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wait wait wait.

They have ranks for STORIES now? O_O

He's talking about forum awards. We have a regular fiction writer, and then one for people who write 10,000 words.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wait wait wait.

They have ranks for STORIES now? O_O

He's talking about forum awards. We have a regular fiction writer, and then one for people who write 10,000 words.

Oh... those. I remember seeing those. Sorry, I heard that things are crazy over at the LMBs, so I assumed that that was what it was. :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No one got the novelist award

Oh, believe me, I'm nearly there.

 

I hadn't noticed you've rewritten your stories, I'll have a read through when I get the time :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have started up my story on the LMB. Now with characters that other LMB members have created!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now with characters that other LMB members have created!

I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless you've asked them. People don't like other people using their characters.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless you've asked them. People don't like other people using their characters.

They might have asked him to use them, though. Knowing the LMB community.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Let me say I am dreadfully tempted to post up my story from the LMB because I just realised it has over 10,000 words... But it'd be a bad idea, I'll do it but tweak a few things (especially the start).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

I hadn't noticed you've rewritten your stories, I'll have a read through when I get the time :)

I am a man of my word - I've finished reading through the first story, at least.

 

Your story was great, and in spite of the fact I have little-to-no knowledge of Chima, I was very clear on what was going on. I particularly loved the race part - you kept up the pace and had me at the edge of my seat. And you created good emotion in the ending, it's an excellent story.

 
Also, I enjoyed the occasional jokes! E.g.

Fred spotted something on the ground, picked it up, and threw it behind him. And then he realised he had thrown the technic 1x1 half tube he lost

and

Fred had a thought, he reached over to Winzar, tapped Winzar's back, and sped past Winzar when he tried to find out who was touching him. Winzar realised this and rammed into Fred.

I actually laughed pretty hard on these parts :D

 

Again, very good story, and I look forward to reading the sequel (yes it's there already, I'll make time to sit down and read it).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do admit I kinda dumped this topic due to the fact it took me a lot of time to Cut and Paste the story parts from the LMB and then going through the process of spelling errors and such. But I thank you Jimbob Jeffers for your comment. I will try and get to work on the story since I have also left it dead on the LMB sometime soon (when I can).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.