So, as I am wont to do on occasion, I was spinning my merry way through my spamfolder in search of something that isn't merely boring advertisement.  Lo and behold, hidden under a pile of duct tape advertisements lay this gem.  As usual, commentary in Red.

Attention Payment beneficiary, This e-mail is to acquaint you officially regarding the release of part payment of your contract /inheritance fund totalling $5.5M (Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States dollars only) under the auspices of the Debt Management Office (D.M.O) of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Ah, the check from my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather 32 times removed from the old Birthplace of Mankind must have just come through.  I've been waiting about a hundred thousand years for this.

It will interest you to know that the acting president of Nigeria Professor Yemi Osibanjo have approved and authorized the immediate release of all outstanding debt approved for release by the last two administration that is yet to ne released to the beneficiaries.

He's actually the Vice President.  The President of Nigeria is named Osikazooie.  Everyone knows this.

The Debt Management Office (DMO) was immediately asked to produce the list of all beneficiaries both private and cooperate entities for verification before money will be released to them accordingly. During verification it was discovered that several unsuccessful attempts have been made to divert your money.

Yeah, one was nearly pulled off by a General Ki Ban-Moon, who was masquerading as some guy in California.

We discovered also that your classified payment file have been distorted and some virtal information either lost or intentionally replced to aid the failed attempt to divert your money. Another discovery was the wrong impression created by fake government and bank offcials that the money will be released by cash payment, ATM card, through offshore bank payment etc.

You can never trust artificial government.  It's like stevia, but it tries to pass laws saying that you must release all your money via offshore bank payments instead of just really bad gas.

Be informed that your money will be released to you through bank to bank swift wire transfer direct into your bank account. ATM card and cash payment is not a global acceptable method of payment for such large amount of money. On your reply to this email i will give you further directives on how your money will be released to you. Thanks for your understanding and patience.

Is Swift Wire Transfer where they transfer small birds using wires?

Sincerely, Mr. Ronald Eze. Debt Management Office.

His assistant is named Peze, and when they're not managing debts, they're busy fighting crime as the famous duo, Eze Peze.  Quite an upstanding character, 10/10, would get randomly large money from again.

Phone: <Interestingly enough, the phone number given maps to a mobile phone actually in Nigeria.  I have no cheap way to call it.  Oh well...>