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A Woodpecker's Blog

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Aparkee

Hey everyone.

 

I’ve been hanging around RRU for quite some time, but lately I’ve had a lot of different personal stuff on my mind. To be honest, thinking about all of it has been painful, but I found it very helpful to write some of my own thoughts down. Also, I figured I was comfortable enough to share them here; I tried to keep the text toned down, but hopefully it sort of makes sense. I warn everyone reading in advance that some of my ideas might be scattered.

 

Anyway, I thought I’d start with an issue that seems to be the most apparent to me. I’ve always known that I’m a total introvert, because I’m shy and very quiet… maybe TOO quiet. I think what I hate about that is how awkward I am with other people. Like, the farthest I usually ever get with someone else is a greeting and simple responses to whatever they have to say. Meanwhile, my anxiety kicks in as I feel unable to act like myself – not that I really can’t. It’s hard to explain, but I’m just not comfortable doing it in person. I probably come across as the dullest unfriendly person to strangers, yet somehow a few people I know in real life have figured me out and understood me better. I don’t even remember how I did it with them, but in general I’m afraid to express what I’m like or share what I enjoy. It’s pretty frustrating.

 

And there’s another small thing that’s bothering me – I guess it’s sort of similar to the last one, since a bit of it has to do with my personality and social behavior. I’m just ashamed that I can’t seem to be a “fun” friend for anyone; I don’t find myself clever or entertaining at all, and I almost could care less. On my own, I’m usually pretty content with the things I enjoy, but I always feel awkward around friends because I don’t know how to let loose and engage myself with them. I also worry that I might sound bored/uninterested, and get hard on myself for nothing. And then I feel lonely because I think I messed everything up.

 

Ugh… I’m sorry. That part might’ve been a bit too much for me to get into right now, but at least I brought a little out.

 

Moving on, I’m also dealing with some family issues. It’s mostly between me and my dad’s family. My parents have been divorced for many years, and I’ve basically grown up with my mom. My dad was never a very involved parent. My grandparents on his side weren’t supportive either. I grew disappointed to the point I wanted to have nothing to do with them. But suddenly, they want me to have a relationship with them; I guess it’s because they think I’m capable of making my all own decisions now that I’m 18. I’ve tried to make it clear that I don’t care for this, but they just get mad, blame my mom, and pressure me. Not once have they ever thought about themselves letting me down. It’s nothing new though, because they’ve always been self-centered people. They try to convince me they know me better than anyone else, but I know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. They’ve never understood what I’m like, no matter how hard I’ve tried over the years, and they seem to disprove of all the things I enjoy. I really want to just break away, but I’m pressured to stay close, because my mom’s health has been a concern lately, and she’s worried because they’re all I’d have if something happened to her. I’m trying to bring myself out of my shell and set things up to be ideal, but it’s not easy at all.

 

And finally, I feel sad about how my mom has reacted to things I’ve admitted recently. For instance, she flipped out when I tried to explain to her I was a furry. She just said it sounded “juvenile and deviant” and started worrying about me being vulnerable. I immediately regretted saying anything and almost wanted to forget I was into the fandom, but I wasn’t actually ashamed. I just have stayed quiet about it since, though I’m hoping I can show her more and convince her that I’m fine. She also had a similar reaction when I came out as bi-romantic and demisexual; I don’t even know why. Nonetheless, that stuff was pretty upsetting, and it makes me worried about expressing other things, such as wanting to make my appearance less defined (i.e. less masculine, more neutral). I just don’t know how I can continue to open up.

 

Blah, that’s about it. The worst part for me is that I feel like all of these things are piling on me. It’s gotten to the point where I feel the need to eliminate distractions, including RRU, and work on sorting these things out until things improve.

 

So, I guess It's my time to say goodbye for now. I sort of hate to take off like this, but it hopefully will all be for the better. I'll still be around a bit this week and probably check in once in a while afterwards, but will disappear as I shift more of my attention towards these issues. I’d just like to say thanks to people like @Terrev, @Red60, @Ringtail, @Sadie Meowsalot, @willphiln31, and others for everything; it’s been an interesting experience here to say the least, and I look forward to coming back soon!

 

Aparkee

Hi, please excuse the dumb title. There's something I need to finally be honest about... or at least try to get a piece of it off my chest. Also, this might not make much sense, but I'm uncomfortable getting deep into it. It's dumb. I'm sorry, but here it is anyway...

 

So, I apologized for some of my past immaturity around here several months ago. Most people didn't really seem upset by it at all but I can't still quite forgive myself, because I really was being a jerk back then. However, that's not my main reason for this post. There's some other s*** I've screwed myself into since coming back to RRU; I never thought it would matter to me at the time because I stopped caring about a lot of things. Now I feel different, and I want to say that I've been hiding and faking a bit of who I really am as a person. I don't know if I can even explain exactly why I did it, but I almost didn't come clean at all. Once I changed my nickname, I wanted to put this all behind me, but I couldn't. I feel pretty crappy about all this, but I must learn to accept what I've done. I'm just sorry that I've lied to everyone for so long, even if it wasn't anything relevant here...

 

Sincerely, Alex (I figured the least I could do is reveal my actual name; I'd still perfer being called Aparkee, at least online...)

Aparkee

Neophobia

This entry is what I’ve been putting off for quite a while; I was inspired to write back in mid-July, but I soon realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I gave it a rest, then came back to it a month later. The break certainly helped me clear my head and function again. If I hadn’t procrastinated, this might’ve been the first post. Anyhow, I’ll get into this one pretty quick, since I’ve already introduced my new blog…

 

But let me first just apologize in advance in case I don’t make sense. I’m not used to writing down my own thoughts, let alone explaining them to others. All I really want to do is bring out what I’m thinking and share it here. If this entry doesn’t pan out, I’ll work on doing better with my blog in the future.

 

Okay, that’s all; moving on now…

 

So, I’ve been kind of down lately. I’m starting to feel like I don’t know who I am, or rather, who I might actually be. I recognize my own hobbies/interests/tastes, and I’ve always been happy with them for the most part. What’s currently bugging me are some of the things I’m unfamiliar with. Since I haven’t tried much of anything new, I don’t know what else I might like or dislike. The obvious solution to this problem would be to actually try stuff. However, I have this problem - apparently I’m neophobic:

 MU9HiuY.png

Sorry. I hate to use that as an excuse, but it’s a problem that’s gotten my attention. I’ve basically been like that my whole life; part of it is probably an Asperger’s thing (surprise, surprise, I’m an aspie). When I was really young (e.g. before I aged 10-11), I would avoid trying new things at all costs. I was just a crazy kid obsessed with “LEGOS” 24/7 (I’m sure many of us were something like that at one point :P). Sure, there were a few other things I liked, but they were all very small things.

 

Fortunately, I got better at leaving my comfort zone as I matured; there’s a lot more I like to do now, and every so often I’ll look into something I haven’t tried before. Still, there are certain things I’m not comfortable with trying; I don’t know why. It seems like I’m over-reacting a lot, like I’ll automatically think I won’t get to do the things I already enjoy ever again if I start doing something that’s totally new. Another thing is, and I really hate to say it, but I think I’m sounding like a hipster:

ECjSTia.png

Goddamnit, I’d hate to be one of them, but maybe it’s the sad truth? I tend to despise a lot of things that “seem popular” to me, particularly on the internet or in pop culture. I’ve belittled certain trends and fandoms, and now I feel ashamed, since I’ve often done it without any knowledge of them. Also, I feel lonely because I don’t understand what everyone else seems to like. As a result, I’m finding it harder to make new friends. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m missing out on what they do, or if I’m just different. It doesn’t matter to me what my opinion would be; I just need to validly form one. If I enjoy something, great! If not, then at least I tried it!

 

What actually HAVE I tried in recent years? Well, I played Minecraft in 2012, and I was bored to tears with it. I’ve also looked into a few fandoms, like the Bronies and Homestucks. I was amused by MLP, but it wasn’t exactly my cup of tea. Meanwhile, I was a Homestuck fan from 2011 to early 2015. I was crazy about the webcomic until I got really sick the fandom and started hating it. Right now, I’m a closet furry, if admiring the community’s art even makes me a part of the fandom. These are just a few prime examples; I’m probably forgetting some other things I’ve already checked out...

 

That’s pretty much all I can say right now. During my break, I even wondered if this entry would be a complete waste. Maybe it is junk, but I didn’t give up on writing it. I really want to work harder on fighting this “problem”. I just need to relax and feel free to take a look at anything I might be curious about. Even if my interests don’t change much, I’d at least get to experience some new things and maybe learn more about myself.

 

Anyhow, that was something unusually long for me to write online. Hopefully I didn’t sound like a complete drama queen. I don't expect that many here could relate with me, but who knows?

Aparkee

Introduction

Hey everyone.

 

For a while, I’ve been thinking about my reputation here; not my points, though I do want to thank everyone for getting me up to a thousand. I mean, like, how I actually presented myself on the forums. I understand that it may be difficult (or impossible) for others around here to still take me seriously due to my excessive s***posting. Really, I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking. I guess I was trying to be funny, or maybe to just get attention by being a complete nuisance. Nonetheless, my posts were barely worth anyone’s time. If there are any entries I remain satisfied with, they’re the ones about my crappy LEGO videos and the “sexy” Aquashark drawings I found. I still think those are gold. Others may agree or disagree; that’s cool. At this point, however, I think it would be best for me to abandon my old blog (hopefully for good) and start writing in a new one that’s actually purposeful. I’d like to apologize to everyone at RRU who had to put up with me and my stupidity. In spite of that, thank you all for still recognizing me as a member of the community.

 

Cheers.