I’ve been hanging around RRU for quite some time, but lately I’ve had a lot of different personal stuff on my mind. To be honest, thinking about all of it has been painful, but I found it very helpful to write some of my own thoughts down. Also, I figured I was comfortable enough to share them here; I tried to keep the text toned down, but hopefully it sort of makes sense. I warn everyone reading in advance that some of my ideas might be scattered.
Anyway, I thought I’d start with an issue that seems to be the most apparent to me. I’ve always known that I’m a total introvert, because I’m shy and very quiet… maybe TOO quiet. I think what I hate about that is how awkward I am with other people. Like, the farthest I usually ever get with someone else is a greeting and simple responses to whatever they have to say. Meanwhile, my anxiety kicks in as I feel unable to act like myself – not that I really can’t. It’s hard to explain, but I’m just not comfortable doing it in person. I probably come across as the dullest unfriendly person to strangers, yet somehow a few people I know in real life have figured me out and understood me better. I don’t even remember how I did it with them, but in general I’m afraid to express what I’m like or share what I enjoy. It’s pretty frustrating.
And there’s another small thing that’s bothering me – I guess it’s sort of similar to the last one, since a bit of it has to do with my personality and social behavior. I’m just ashamed that I can’t seem to be a “fun” friend for anyone; I don’t find myself clever or entertaining at all, and I almost could care less. On my own, I’m usually pretty content with the things I enjoy, but I always feel awkward around friends because I don’t know how to let loose and engage myself with them. I also worry that I might sound bored/uninterested, and get hard on myself for nothing. And then I feel lonely because I think I messed everything up.
Ugh… I’m sorry. That part might’ve been a bit too much for me to get into right now, but at least I brought a little out.
Moving on, I’m also dealing with some family issues. It’s mostly between me and my dad’s family. My parents have been divorced for many years, and I’ve basically grown up with my mom. My dad was never a very involved parent. My grandparents on his side weren’t supportive either. I grew disappointed to the point I wanted to have nothing to do with them. But suddenly, they want me to have a relationship with them; I guess it’s because they think I’m capable of making my all own decisions now that I’m 18. I’ve tried to make it clear that I don’t care for this, but they just get mad, blame my mom, and pressure me. Not once have they ever thought about themselves letting me down. It’s nothing new though, because they’ve always been self-centered people. They try to convince me they know me better than anyone else, but I know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. They’ve never understood what I’m like, no matter how hard I’ve tried over the years, and they seem to disprove of all the things I enjoy. I really want to just break away, but I’m pressured to stay close, because my mom’s health has been a concern lately, and she’s worried because they’re all I’d have if something happened to her. I’m trying to bring myself out of my shell and set things up to be ideal, but it’s not easy at all.
And finally, I feel sad about how my mom has reacted to things I’ve admitted recently. For instance, she flipped out when I tried to explain to her I was a furry. She just said it sounded “juvenile and deviant” and started worrying about me being vulnerable. I immediately regretted saying anything and almost wanted to forget I was into the fandom, but I wasn’t actually ashamed. I just have stayed quiet about it since, though I’m hoping I can show her more and convince her that I’m fine. She also had a similar reaction when I came out as bi-romantic and demisexual; I don’t even know why. Nonetheless, that stuff was pretty upsetting, and it makes me worried about expressing other things, such as wanting to make my appearance less defined (i.e. less masculine, more neutral). I just don’t know how I can continue to open up.
Blah, that’s about it. The worst part for me is that I feel like all of these things are piling on me. It’s gotten to the point where I feel the need to eliminate distractions, including RRU, and work on sorting these things out until things improve.
So, I guess It's my time to say goodbye for now. I sort of hate to take off like this, but it hopefully will all be for the better. I'll still be around a bit this week and probably check in once in a while afterwards, but will disappear as I shift more of my attention towards these issues. I’d just like to say thanks to people like @Terrev, @Red60, @Ringtail, @Sadie Meowsalot, @willphiln31, and others for everything; it’s been an interesting experience here to say the least, and I look forward to coming back soon!