Johnny Thunder. We all love him. The mustached, fedora-adorned hero of the Adventurers theme is perhaps the single most iconic character in the LEGO franchise. He has cameo'ed in countless media, including critically acclaimed titles such as LEGO Island 2: The Brickster’s Revenge and LEGO Universe. I’ve been looking through the internet and been disappointed to find that there isn’t a single good LEGO Universe story about Johnny Thunder. It’s just topic after topic of shameless self-inserts. This blatant injustice cannot be ignored any longer. The story seeks to answer some deep-rooted questions that have been lingering in our minds for years now. I’m sure we’re all wondering how Johnny Thunder became the leader of the Venture League. Or how did he discover Crux? And why did he substitute a black fedora for his iconic brown one? Here is a preview of my forthcoming story, entitled, "Johnny Thunder and the Quest for the MacGuffin, A LEGO Universe Fanfic STARRING JOHNNY THUNDER.
Chapter One: Chamber of Relics
Johnny Thunder glanced up from his map, smirking his iconic mustached smirk, as if to arouse the ovation of some unseen audience. It was the outset of another glorious adventure. The Australian adventure hero wondered to himself: what fantastic perils would he face this time? Would he be engaged in a showdown with his greedy arch-nemesis? Perhaps caught in an escalating race against said arch-nemesis to claim a mystical artifact that could be used to bring about the end of all life as he knew it? Would he have opportunities to commit gross violations of the archeological method? Or maybe enjoy a pleasant intermission with his myriad female admirers?
The Thunder adjusted his wide-brim fedora before turning from his invisible audience and toward the corridor of near-certain death. The insatiable bad-butt casually strutted down the pathway until he inevitably stepped on that one conspicuously protruding brick which incidentally triggers one of the many sufficiently lethal traps along the requisite death course to the Obligatory Chamber of Relics, comprising buzz-saws, swinging blades, no less than a two dozen trap doors, a couple lava pits, rubber spikes, and those useless little flick-operated projectiles.
Johnny wonders three things: why he didn’t look where he was going, how these booby traps could possibly be working flawlessly despite being undisturbed for millennia, and how he ended up in his present predicament in the first place. The first question could be attributed to his enormous, hyper-inflated ego; the second could likely be attributed to an unseen wizard warding off the effects of natural decay and entropy, but the third required some gratuitous expository flashbacks…
Some years ago, or more precisely, thirteen zillion, it happened that Johnny was looking into taking a luxury cruise with his friend Pippin Reed. His uncle Kilroy recommended his brother’s consulting firm, Cyber’s Temporal Trip Advisors, a time-travel consulting firm of dubious integrity which spanned several grossly wealthy star systems across a number of the more affluent time periods.
Time cruises and temporal manipulation at large are, of course, illegal in virtually all advanced galactic confederacies because such ventures have a tendency to result in the general mucklification of the globular spatio-temporal medium, not to mention their being a gross perversion of conventional physics and the mind-bending tenses involved being the chagrin of grammarians everywhere. One popular argument for the abolition of time cruises observes that time cruisers have a seemingly irresistible urge to attempt to assassinate a multitude of the most ruthless dictators and megalomaniacal despots throughout history. Godwin’s Constant of Temporal Manipulation states that any attempt, directly or otherwise, to travel back in time to assassinate any of the aforementioned despots will invariably fail. Further, those who are the subject of the assassination attempt will almost invariably manage to obtain the temporal manipulation device that enabled the assassination attempt, thereby instigating a series of events which invariably result in the megalomaniacal despot in question achieving global domination.
There is no law, however, barring travel to the distant future by means of time dilation, and the temporal travel agents took considerable liberties in marketing that fact. When Johnny and Pippin had set an appointment, the trans-temporal travel agents were more than eager to expound their selection of luxury cruises, offering a variety of “economically priced” packages that would accommodate their budget. The travel agents were having difficulties convincing clients to book time cruises to the Fifty-Fourth zillennium and, in order to make the cruises seem more appealing, offered special discounts on all cruises to that chronological destination.
The consultants also conveniently neglected to mention that the economy time cruise to the Fifty-Fourth zillennium held a one-way contingency and consequently did not cover the return trip back to the so-called Twentieth century in the Forty-First zillennium. Incidentally, the Fifty-Fourth zillenium was also the point in time at which the premature obliteration of the entire spatio-temporal medium was to occur. Suffice to say, Cyber’s Trans-temporal Trip Advisors didn’t offer Johnny or Pippin a refund.
As this retrospective narration played in the back of our hero’s plastic, yellow, fedora-adorned head, he carefully navigated through the sufficiently lethal death course. One of the friendly swinging blades found itself wishing to make intimate physical contact with him but Johnny Thunder knew he didn’t have time for its companionship and rejected its advances, continuing toward the Obligatory Chamber of Relics.
The focal point of the chamber was a brilliant, transparent-green, triangular crystal fixed on a cylindrical pedestal. Light reflected off the crystal from the sunlight channeled through a small opening directly above.
“Crickey!” said Johnny, before promptly examining his wristwatch.
As he expertly extracted the crystal, he was pleasantly surprised that a massive boulder wasn’t chasing him and that the chamber didn’t seem to be collapsing. Exhaling with a surprised humph, he placed the crystal in his satchel and wandered back through the sufficiently lethal death course.
He was also pleasantly surprised and slightly disappointed that no one seemed to want to repossess his most recent acquisition, as was very often the case. At approximately this point in most of his previous adventures, some contemptible rival would swoop in and demand the adventurer’s recently-obtained treasure, frequently in exchange for a hostage damsel-in-distress who was somehow totally incapacitated whenever the villain was gripping her arm. Following this transaction, the rival would gloat evilly before collapsing the entrance and leaving the adventurers to spend the remaining portion of eternity in the ancient labyrinth, although they inevitably escape and thwart the villain’s schemes, proving things would have been much easier and more likely to result in success had he forgone the whole melodramatic routine and simply had them shot in the first place.
Addendum: I’m holding subsequent chapters hostage until the ransom of 10 LIKES has been appeased, because I’m insecure about myself and demand the validation of my fellow users.