Bio's Blog

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About this blog

My shinanigans.

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OCD and Me

So this is my first ever blog entry, and right now I feel like talking about something quite personal to me.

This is not a plea for attention, I just need to get this off my chest, and posting it in public helps, and I guess I just feel comfortable posting it here on RRU, of all places.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. Not just the casual 'need to keep things tidy and in order' stuff that people think is OCD. Real, medically diagnosed, life consuming, mentally crippling OCD. And it's only got worse recently.

As you may know, OCD is based upon obsessions, or fears of something (usually something impossible) happening, and compulsions; actions done in order to relieve the anxiety, which works for a short time until it comes back again, which for me is mere seconds later. I was diagnosed around a year and a half ago. The bulk of my OCD (though there are other parts of it I'd rather not talk about, partly because there are simply too many) is my fear of losing or regressing in personal achievements, mostly my musical ability. This is triggered by anything from hearing music I haven't heard much for maybe a year or two, to so much as seeing a date written anywhere that's at least 4 months ago, on this very forum for example. Things like this instill me with sheer terror that I can't describe other than it makes me sweat, panic, and instantly performing a compulsion, that can be anything from listening to or playing music that is relevant to my life now, to saying the current date over and over and over again until it feels right. Anything that reinforces the fact that it is that date that it is, and that I haven't lost any personal traits or achievements.

But the problem is, this form of relief from the terror only lasts mere seconds for me, before something sets it off again. And that's the problem; literally anything can. If anything's dusty, or has reference to my life before the last month or so, it will terrify me. I am constantly anxious, I can't look in certain directions without enormous terror filling my brain.

Of course, I try to fight it, using a method called Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), but it's possibly the hardest thing I have ever attempted in my life to do. I combine this with anti-depressant medication, a method of treatment used by most patients of severe OCD, but in the long term, I seem to be making little progress.

Like I said, there are many other aspects too, like the fear that if I don't do certain things I'll fail exams, or even my girlfriend or family members will die, but the one that consumes my life the most is the irrational fear of losing my achievements and personal traits. And that's the worst thing about it. I know it's irrational, but I can't help but be scared to the point of literally doing anything, in public or private, to make it go away. But ultimately, it never does. The battle inside my head goes on permanently.

I dedicate hours a day practicing ERP, sometimes to no avail, sometimes making major breakthroughs. Either way, I'm not giving up, but there are certainly times where I feel like it.

If you did read all of this, thank you. I can't express how grateful I am that you care about what goes on in my head against my will, and like I said, I'm not looking for attention, I just need an outlet, preferably a public one.

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