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OCD and Me

Posted by Biorune , 24 September 2013 · 443 views

So this is my first ever blog entry, and right now I feel like talking about something quite personal to me.

This is not a plea for attention, I just need to get this off my chest, and posting it in public helps, and I guess I just feel comfortable posting it here on RRU, of all places.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. Not just the casual 'need to keep things tidy and in order' stuff that people think is OCD. Real, medically diagnosed, life consuming, mentally crippling OCD. And it's only got worse recently.

As you may know, OCD is based upon obsessions, or fears of something (usually something impossible) happening, and compulsions; actions done in order to relieve the anxiety, which works for a short time until it comes back again, which for me is mere seconds later. I was diagnosed around a year and a half ago. The bulk of my OCD (though there are other parts of it I'd rather not talk about, partly because there are simply too many) is my fear of losing or regressing in personal achievements, mostly my musical ability. This is triggered by anything from hearing music I haven't heard much for maybe a year or two, to so much as seeing a date written anywhere that's at least 4 months ago, on this very forum for example. Things like this instill me with sheer terror that I can't describe other than it makes me sweat, panic, and instantly performing a compulsion, that can be anything from listening to or playing music that is relevant to my life now, to saying the current date over and over and over again until it feels right. Anything that reinforces the fact that it is that date that it is, and that I haven't lost any personal traits or achievements.

But the problem is, this form of relief from the terror only lasts mere seconds for me, before something sets it off again. And that's the problem; literally anything can. If anything's dusty, or has reference to my life before the last month or so, it will terrify me. I am constantly anxious, I can't look in certain directions without enormous terror filling my brain.

Of course, I try to fight it, using a method called Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), but it's possibly the hardest thing I have ever attempted in my life to do. I combine this with anti-depressant medication, a method of treatment used by most patients of severe OCD, but in the long term, I seem to be making little progress.

Like I said, there are many other aspects too, like the fear that if I don't do certain things I'll fail exams, or even my girlfriend or family members will die, but the one that consumes my life the most is the irrational fear of losing my achievements and personal traits. And that's the worst thing about it. I know it's irrational, but I can't help but be scared to the point of literally doing anything, in public or private, to make it go away. But ultimately, it never does. The battle inside my head goes on permanently.

I dedicate hours a day practicing ERP, sometimes to no avail, sometimes making major breakthroughs. Either way, I'm not giving up, but there are certainly times where I feel like it.

If you did read all of this, thank you. I can't express how grateful I am that you care about what goes on in my head against my will, and like I said, I'm not looking for attention, I just need an outlet, preferably a public one.

I read it all. I won't comment, I won't ask questions, I won't state feelings. All I will say is: this is perfectly alright. You're not out of line nor place. If this is a good outlet and helps you cope, I have no issues with you doing so. :)

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Drill Master
Sep 24 2013 09:16 AM

I read it as well, from beginning to end. I agree with le. I'm not good with words, so I'll just say, from one friend to another, I'm here for you. WE are here for you. :)

    • Biorune thanked this
Thanks guys, it really does mean a lot. :)
    • Drill Master thanked this
While I probably haven't encountered it any more than the ordinary person in my own life, I do know what OCD can do to a person. I don't want to go into details on a public forum for the sake of the privacy of said person, but I've seen what it can cause - just how far it can distort someone's thinking, and make them completely unable to do basic tasks or interact with people in everyday conversation. Heck, it's downright scary at points. It irks me when people talk about being picky with certain things (the 'need to keep things tidy and in order' stuff) and say "lol I'm so OCD about that" when they obviously have no idea what the real deal is like, and how serious of a problem it can actually be. Even though I am the sort of person who's very picky about keeping things systematic and organized, I wouldn't call it OCD... It's nowhere near that extensive.
    • Biorune and Yajmo thanked this
I feel the exact same thing jamesster. It really frustrates me, as an OCD sufferer, when people refer to OCD as a simple tendency. I can relate to exactly what you mentioned. It does distort my thinking, and it does stop me from doing everyday tasks that should cause no anxiety at all. Thanks for backing me up on that. :)
    • Yajmo thanked this
Sep 24 2013 06:29 PM

I don't want to pry into personal matters, but my friend had OCD (not as strongly as you, but OCD nonetheless) and became incredibly conscious of being contaminated by anything from the outside world. It turned out that his OCD was onset from previous trauma ('trauma' can be anything big or small, parental divorce, personal accidents, etc.). While he didn't make the link himself initially, by talking through the matters, he gradually lost his OCD and is now almost 'cured', if you like. I know a couple of other people with very mild OCD that are in the same boat too.


I don't want to cause offence, but perhaps something has happened in your past that you just need to talk through, with someone well-trained in such matters?

I don't want to cause offence, but perhaps something has happened in your past that you just need to talk through, with someone well-trained in such matters?


I've discussed this before with my therapist, but I can't really think of anything like this that might have caused it other than my fear of losing my achievements, since I hold them so highly. Thanks for the suggestion though.

My dad has a sort of OCD. I have no idea what specific habits he has, he takes medication to prevent it. The medication must be working and the OCD must be pretty bad given his descriptions, and his required medical leave from his job while he's not taking it. Such medication lacking instances are very infrequent though, and I do not recall his personality while he wasn't taking it.
Stick in there, man. We're all here for you.
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The Ace Railgun
Oct 01 2013 04:01 AM
I'd have to say I'm the same as Jamesster on this I like being organized, and systematic, and have quite a few ruts but not in an OCD fashion. Yeah I'm no where near OCD.

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