Note: I typed up most of this entry over a week or two ago, I've just not posted it for reasons I'll elaborate on in the post itself. Just putting that out there for context.

As I type this, I'm lying awake in bed. Unable to sleep. Worrying. Stressing. About what? I might not know. Maybe I do, but I won't say, because whatever it is I can guarantee it's stupid and not worth stressing over. But I do anyway. Why? Because I can't not.

I happen to be highly autistic. I try not to let it define me, but it's definitely a prominent facet of my character that cannot be ignored. Lots of things make me uncomfortable, things that would not bother another person, things that other people tend to not even think about at all.

There are many examples, too many to remember and most so small that even I don't think about them unless it's what's currently bothering me. But I can cover the major ones.

There's the organisational aspect- if things don't line up right, or if things are in the wrong order, that's a huge problem. The most prominent issue I have with this, and one that seems strange and insignificant, is when two things that are supposed to be the same are different, but only slightly different. Generally if the difference is significant it bothers me less, but if it's just a slight inconsistency THAT's where it gets me.

Since this is a LEGO forum, I'll use that as an example- can't mix old and new greys, I'm not alone in that. Lot's of people hold to that rule. But it also extends to bricks of the same color that are in different states of wear or slightly faded. Even when they're identical in every way, but manufactured in a different year so the little markings on the underside that most people don't even realize are there are slightly different. It's usually not significant enough to notice, but I do. When I was a child it always drove me insane that my brother would build things using both LEGO and Mega Bloks in the same model. I didn't care at the time they were different brands (I do now), but the colors didn't match. Stickers? If even one is only slightly crooked it ruins the whole set. If I have two of the same minifig and the printing is slightly off on one of them, that bothers me. When I'm putting a set together, I have to pay extra careful attention to make sure that the "LEGO" that's engraved on the top of the studs is facing the correct direction.

It's gotten to the point where videogames, something that should relax me, that I should enjoy, do the opposite. It generally has to do with records. The more things a game records, the more it bothers me, and as technology advances more records are kept. A game records the date on which you accomplish something? That bothers me. Records how many times you've played a certain mode, or how many of each enemy you've defeated? That bothers me. Keeps track of which character/vehicle/equipment you use the most often? THAT bothers me. Some games try to make your copy uniquely your own, and I hate that. I don't want my copy of the game to be any different than anyone else's, even if the difference is only in little insignificant numbers tucked away in a sub-screen that no one looks at. I know they're there, I can't ignore them, I hate them.

This "almost but not quite" thing is probably the worst of it. I can handle when things are completely screwed up. I can handle when things don't match at all. I can handle complete chaos- what I can't handle, is when something looks so close to correct that most people wouldn't even stop to consider that it might not be. I do. And I notice the subtle inconsistencies, and they eat at me.

Then, on the other hand, there's the social aspect of it.

This part I'm having a lot more trouble putting into words.

I am always worried about what other people think of me. I am always terrified of upsetting or offending someone. I'm always worried I might say or do something that someone else doesn't like. I try my best to avoid confrontation, and when confrontation happens, I try to get out of it as quickly as possible while also watching my words carefully to make sure that I don't say anything that I might regret later- but I'm a bit slow, so that doesn't usually work that well. It takes me longer than most to properly formulate my thoughts, and when put under pressure I sometimes spout half-formed ideas that may not fully express how I actually feel. Then i spend days, weeks, hell sometimes years afterword thinking of what I should have said, and worrying about when those things I said will come back to bite me. Little interactions that most people forget about almost immediately, they stay with me forever. I just can't take it sometimes. I know, objectively, that I'm probably fine. That most of the things that I worry about have been forgotten by everyone else.

However, that's not to say that I'm always in the right. I know that I can be pretty abrasive sometimes. I'm stubborn, and have trouble letting things go. I sometimes speak out when I shouldn't and end up causing the very situations I try to avoid. I can be petty sometimes. I'm sorry for all of this.

That said, it's likely that most of the situations that I can't forget about afterwords are not nearly as big a deal to everyone else as they are to me. I try not to let it bother me, I really do, but it doesn't work like that. These feelings just cannot be ignored.

Even typing up this blog post, I can't help but worry how people will react, if I really want to be saying any of this at all? Even after spending as much time as I did trying to word it as best I could, there's probably parts that I will continue to stress about how I could have said it better. In the end, though, I think it needs to be said. I need to get these things off my chest, and I would like people to know what things are like from my perspective.

I'm not asking for anything from anyone. All of my problems, they are mine and no one else's. I just needed to say something. Maybe now I might have one or two less things to stress about.